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Guest blog: Confessions of a female valeter

James Batchelor by James Batchelor
October 14, 2011
12
Home Blog

100807manhDirt. I believe that dirt belongs in the garden. I also believe that biscuits and sweets are to be eaten (and swallowed), crayons are for drawing on paper and that McDonalds containers and chocolate wrappers belong in the bin.

Why? Because everything has its place (I’m a tidy kind of gal). My prized Audi S3 and 650cc Suzuki motorcycle might both be more than 10 years old now but, apart from age related wear and tear, they are spotless.

My female friends think my obsession with clean vehicles extremely OTT, but they don’t let their children go out with unwashed faces, in dirty clothes, do they?

My partner has turned my obsession to his advantage. When I complained about the amount of money he was paying out to have cars valeted before putting them out on his forecourt, his response was to say that if I wanted to save some money then I could clean them myself!

Never one to shy away from a challenge, I put on my scruffiest jeans and t-shirt and with a box full of cloths, brushes, tins and bottles full of pink and yellow liquids, I began. I started on the smaller cars, which were just a little grubby, and after a few weeks I could wash, dress, ‘Henry’ and polish, both interior and exterior of a Fiesta, Polo, 206, MX-5 and the like in a couple of hours.

But the likes of a family Focus C-Max, or a landscape gardener’s Discovery have taken all day and had me alternately seething and weeping into my mutton cloth at the pure horror of what I have found, not to mention my aching hands and back.

Why do manufacturers place side pockets, under-seat trays, drinks holders, ashtrays etc in the most awkward reaching places, so that the collected dust, congealed boiled sweets, paper clips, small coins and melted crayons are a nightmare to remove? In some models (which I won’t name) the carpet material is so cheap that it is virtually impossible to extract hairs and dirt from them – instead a little carpet coloured paint does the trick of covering them up.

‘Recently I spent an hour trying to remove caked-on sweat, dead skin cells and mud from the steering wheel of a Pajero’

In addition to the sticky leftovers and dubious stains, I have been amazed at what people leave behind; old towels and underwear wedged around spare tyres, CDs – strangely always 80s Rock; broken pens and sunglasses and in a Picasso, hidden under the seats – most of Worthing beach, which must have done wonders for its mpg.

Unfortunately, I have yet to come across a suitcase full of £50 notes, or precious stones. The most has been a few, very dirty coins, which are easily returned to new with a dip in a container full of Coke (which is also great for cleaning the loo too!). Recently I spent an hour trying to remove caked-on sweat, dead skin cells and mud from the steering wheel of a Pajero, only for it to be stolen the following day – sometimes it is a thankless task.

And after displaying these now gleaming cars on the forecourt, how is it is that customers drive in with their car to part-exchange, (expecting retail money for it of course) and proudly show you their dented, scratched, stained and dog and tobacco scented vehicle without any hint of embarrassment. They then take a cursory glance at their choice of your cars, before trying to haggle down the price from an already slim margin – in addition to receiving a full service, MOT, 6 months warranty AND (because it’s what they do on the telly) new mats.

Now that the colder weather is approaching, I may just leave this kind of cleaning to the boys!

Who is Jackie Bond?

Jackie is a full time car and bike enthusiast and part time valeter at Dever Cars in Sutton Scotney (Hants).
David Smith, the owner of the business is her partner.

Comments 12

  1. Jeanette says:
    9 years ago

    Love the piece Jackie, my sentiments exactly, I love a clean car and yes in cold weather I also leave it to the boys. Keep up with the writing it made me smile x

  2. Ana M says:
    9 years ago

    I loved this post. It was a fresh approach to cars, and it reminds me…I should clean my car! Any takers?

  3. Vicky W says:
    9 years ago

    This post made me laugh out loud! I have OCD when it comes to cleaning my house, but my car leaves a lot to be desired! It looks like I live in it most of the time! But then maybe that’s why my house is so clean – everything is in the car!

  4. Bryan says:
    9 years ago

    A brilliant insight into car valeting, it is amazing the expectations and demands placed on the average car valeter for very little reward not to mention what the off street car washes claim to do for £6 !

  5. Deb says:
    9 years ago

    Very insightful but I won’t be changing my slovenly ways, life is too short to clean the car and Bertie my beetle is quite frankly a bit of tramp, he likes it dirty…

  6. Liz says:
    9 years ago

    Very funny Jackie, and typical of you! You’ll be meeting my new dog soon and the inside of my car tells a tail (deliberate pun there)! So if you’re up for it…?!

  7. Elaine says:
    9 years ago

    Jackie, you are welcome to clean my car anyday – I can guarantee no mcdonalds wrappers or old underwear…loved the blog. Maybe you could write regular slots on tips for keeping our cars clean and sparkly next……

  8. Peter J Bond says:
    9 years ago

    A succint and true assessment of the job. As a driver for a local garage, allbeit on an adhoc basis , I am often asked to drive all number of various makes and models. The state some people let their expensive posessions in is unbelievable, and of course the smell of dogs ,sweat and cats pee can be more than off putting. So good call Jacqueline ,about time the public was educated.

  9. Tim says:
    9 years ago

    That pretty much sums us up – our car is our castle and we all need some extra staff!! Great article.

  10. Alan Aust says:
    9 years ago

    Enjoyed Jackie’s article. Very succinct comments. Two cars here in the queue – no dogs, cats,sweet papers, messy children -any money found will be clean and sorely missed.

  11. Sandra says:
    9 years ago

    A scintillating and funny review of a very misunderstood task. Loved it Jackie.
    I keep a small bag in my car for the rubbish as I cannot stand mess all over the carpets. Mind you Jackie if you know of any way to remove dog odour from a car I would love to know. I purchased my car more than two years ago and despite everything possible it still smells of doggie odour.

  12. Christine says:
    9 years ago

    What an amusing article Jackie. I, too, like you, try to keep my car clean. However, I am now squirming just in case your beady eyes have found something we left in our Volvo when we handed it over to Dever Cars: I must add that all the cars on the forecourt were gleaming!!! Good luck with the valeting!!!

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