9:00 am, November 3, 2024
I was in my local hostelry recently when a young chap walked in wearing a polo shirt bearing the name of a well-known car auction company, which shall remain nameless but that I’m sure each and every one of us has had dealings with at some point.
I wasn’t planning on talking shop as the bloke had just popped in for a quick pint after work, but in the event, it was him that began talking to me – and he asked me what I did for a living.
When I mentioned that I was a relocation agent specialising in pre-loved motor vehicles, I expected him to make a break for it and shut the conversation down quickly, but he was fascinated to find out what life was like as a car dealer – after all, his role was at the other end of the chain. He works as a vehicle inspector for the auction house and is in charge of grading vehicles before they’re sent through the block.
The thing to remember here, folks, is that every day’s a school day, and in exchange for two pints of pretend Spanish lager that’s actually brewed in Burton-Upon-Trent, the young chap in question made some revelations that I shall remember next time I buy some stock from the auction houses online.
First of all, there’s the grading. I now know that a scuff on the bumper instantly puts a car at grade four out of five (with five being the worst overall grade) but that it can still be a grade two with a rust hole in the sill, the logic being that a bumper is considered visible and a sill isn’t. It’s also complete and utter nonsense, but then that’s what happens when you put your faith in an algorithm rather than look at the world through the eyes of real people, who would much prefer getting their bumper painted than their rotten sills welded up.
The motor trade is full of creative ideas, though, and the young inspector told me that he and his pals have an ‘arrangement’ with some of the local motor trade to get hidden indicators into the auction listings. For example, if the algorithm decides that a car is a better grade than it should be, then when they take the photographs they set the blower on the heater controls to the downward arrow as a subtle way of telling those in the know that it’s not as good as it claims to be.
Check auction photos carefully – they can give subtle hints to condition and history
Similarly, if a car has a fault (often mechanical) for which there is no check box on the algorithm, they perform an even neater trick. Look closely at the photos and if there’s a piece of litter on the floor near the car, it means it’s rubbish. Their trick, I was told, is to subtly drop a sweet wrapper or similar near the driver’s side front wheel before taking the photos. I decided to test this theory when I got home, only to find three cars at the auction branch in question, each photographed with a chewing gum wrapper next to the tyre.
It works the other way, too – if the inspector thinks the car is better than the grading, he sets the heater controls to blow upwards as a guide to potential bidders.
Also, with cars of a certain age (usually over 10 years old, of which there are still plenty of good ones about), the auction house in question is told to sell all cars without service history, when in many cases there’s quite a bit of it. In such cases, the inspectors always leave it somewhere visible in the photos, usually in the glovebox with the glove compartment lid open, or sometimes sticking out of the seat back or door pocket. Sometimes, they’re less subtle – for example, a Jaguar I spotted had years of paperwork scattered liberally around its boot, just in case I missed the subtle hint left for me by the vehicle inspector.
What I learned most from the conversation, though, is that we’re all just human beings trying to get by in life, and that while many people on our side of the trade like to have a whinge and moan about the auction grading system and the inspectors often not being up to par, there are still some blooming good eggs out there who realise that the key to being a golden human being is not about looking after corporate profit, but trying to help each other out along the way.
Hold that one close, and if you see an auction vehicle inspector in the pub, buy him a pint. It could be a shrewd business investment.
Who is Big Mike? Well, that would be telling. What we can say is he’s had more than 40 years in the car trade so has probably forgotten more about it than we’re likely to know.
