• Car Dealer Plus
No Result
View All Result
  • Latest
  • Used Cars
  • Live
  • Forum
  • Power 2020
  • Used Car Awards
  • CDX
  • Knowledge
  • Suppliers Guide
  • About Us
  • Latest Issue
  • Top 100
  • CD Plus
  • Latest
  • Used Cars
  • Live
  • Forum
  • Power 2020
  • Used Car Awards
  • CDX
  • Knowledge
  • Suppliers Guide
  • About Us
  • Latest Issue
  • Top 100
  • CD Plus
No Result
View All Result

Big Mike: Why I’ll never be a fan of electric cars (or their owners)

Car Dealer Magazine by Car Dealer Magazine
October 9, 2020
0
Home Big Mike

I MAY be about to find myself in the unpopular corner here, but I don’t like electric cars. 

Don’t get me wrong – the technology is brilliant, and while I confess that I am a bit of a Luddite, I’m not enough of a caveman to ignore the fact that the car industry is constantly evolving (though as the evolution of the Peugeot 205 into the 206 proves, this is not always for the best). 

But I digress. The thing that really sticks in my craw about electric cars is the sheer smugness of some of the people who own them, particularly those who make Ned Flanders out of The Simpsons look like the perfect neighbour. There’s nothing more annoying than seeing some self-satisfied cable-knit-wearing idiot dusting his hands after plugging in a charging cable, blissfully unaware that the factory from which his electric car emerged belched out more smoke during its production than will ever come out of the exhaust of my V8 Jaguar (or at least, that’s what I like to tell myself), as did the boat that dragged it here from Japan.

Then there are the really fast and posh electric cars. If you own a Tesla, you may wish to look away now, as I might be about to offend you. 

You see, while the current catch-all phrase for the idiots on Britain’s road network tends to be ‘Audi Driver’, my fear is that the Tesla Driver goes one step beyond.

After all, he (or she) combines the self-satisfied smugness of an EV-driving eco-warrior with the other kind of self-satisfied smugness that comes with believing the badge on your car is some kind of symbol of your success in life (it isn’t, by the way – the wealthiest bloke I know drives an Austin Montego estate). 

Seriously, though. Just you watch them. 

Sprinkle my shoes

Cue best David Attenborough voice: ‘Seen here in his natural environment, the Tesla Driver thinks nothing of paying over a tenner for a mug of froth and a glorified sandwich ending in the letter ‘‘a’’, as he justifies his purchase in the motorway service area refectory.’ 

Alas, that’s exactly what Tesla drivers tend to do in my experience – indeed, I never actually see them on the road. 

Whenever I stop to sprinkle my shoes while using our motorway network (which happens more and more frequently with age), there are always somewhere between half a dozen and 10 of the dratted things parked one VIP block beyond the disabled bays, charging themselves up while their owners find somebody to bore over a soya latte, pretending it’s perfectly normal to have a 40-minute forced interruption to your journey at a rather pointless time of day, and while rush-hour traffic builds up around you.

But maybe I shouldn’t diss the Tesla after all, for I’ve hit upon an idea that could make me more money than the motor trade has ever given me. Indeed, it was while pointing Percy at the porcelain during a long road trip down the A1(M) that I believe I had my ‘This time next year, Rodney…’ moment. 

You heard it here first: Tesla Tinder. A brand new app that allows Tesla owners to find kindred spirits (of which, as we’ve already mentioned, there are likely to be about half a dozen in Costly Coffee or Megabucks). Rather than bore the pants off someone who happens to sit down close to them – something that has led me, in the past, to arrange my spare change in order of the dates minted in order to avoid eye contact (don’t tell me you’ve never done it, or indeed aren’t about to empty your pockets now out of intrigue) –Tesla owners can find each other via the app and work off their pent-up range anxiety by going for a quick, anonymous knee-trembler in the bogs at Grantham Services. 

Imagine what could happen next – the first Tesla Tinder wedding (don’t stay for the speeches, unless you have Valium), or the first Tesla Tinder illegitimate offspring, which leads to one half of the pairing having his or her Tesla chopped in half as part of an acrimonious break-up. 

You could even have cheeky Tesla Tinder lingo – like letting other users know if you’re a plug or a socket, or if you’re AC/DC or like the idea of a three-phase fast charge. 

I’ve spent most of my career flogging clapped-out Cortinas and jaded old Jags, and now I’m close to my dotage, I may have finally found my breakthrough moment. So perhaps I do like electric cars after all. 

Who is Big Mike? Well, that would be telling. What we can say is he’s had more than 40 years in the car trade so has probably forgotten more about it than we’re likely to know.

MORE: Government to plough more than £28m into battery development in Coventry

MORE: Ford said to be cutting hundreds of UK jobs

MORE: Electrified vehicle know-how expected to be more vital than traditional mechanics in five years

Previous Post

Brian marks halfway point of epic cancer charity trek with visit to Charles Hurst

Next Post

Hertfordshire Aston Martin dealership gets a new purpose-built home

Related Posts

John Clark Motor Group sees losses deepen to nearly £2m
News

John Clark Motor Group enjoys profit rise to £12.8m despite lower turnover

January 13, 2021
Consumers confused by car finance terms, according to new research
News

Car repossessions allowed to recommence on January 31, despite FCA extending help for mortgages

January 13, 2021
Scottish government looks to phase out new petrol and diesel cars from 2032
News

Click-and-collect to be banned in Scotland from Saturday for car dealers but hope deliveries will still be allowed

January 13, 2021
Dealers to be given free advertising across eBay Motors Group in February
News

Dealers to be given free advertising across eBay Motors Group in February

January 13, 2021
New car sales to increase in 2013, suggests Trader Media
News

Renault Retail Group sells flagship London West showroom for £39m

January 13, 2021
BMW ad banned because ‘no-dazzle’ claim was misleading
News

Five people arrested after BMW dealership targeted twice by thieves in the same morning

January 13, 2021

Want to receive the latest news?

Sign up to the Car Dealer daily news briefing for the latest news and advice during these unprecedented times.

Subscribe Now
Car Dealer Top 100 – The list in full of the most profitable car dealers in the UK
Car Dealer Top 100

Car Dealer Top 100 – The list in full of the most profitable car dealers in the UK

December 21, 2020
Used Car Awards Shortlist: Find out who made it through mystery shopping and are now in running for our gongs
News

Used Car Awards Shortlist: Find out who made it through mystery shopping and are now in running for our gongs

January 6, 2021
Investigation: Should car dealers be selling and delivering during lockdown?
News

What do we know about online used car dealer Cazoo? Who is Alex Chesterman? And will Cazoo float on the stock market?

January 5, 2021
Become a Car Dealer Plus member and get more out of this website including free legal advice
News

Become a Car Dealer Plus member and get more out of this website including free legal advice

January 5, 2021
Used car dealer Cazoo accused of online-only U-turn as it sets up physical sites and closes Imperial dealerships
News

Comment: Why Cazoo founder was naive to label this used car sales business as ‘flawed at every level’

December 1, 2020
Car Dealer Power

Car Manufacturer of the Year – Where did your manufacturer rank in Car Dealer Power 2020?

November 23, 2020
Investigation: What do car buyers want from online car sales? New research reveals customers’ likes and dislikes
Car Dealer Live

Investigation: What do car buyers want from online car sales? New research reveals customers’ likes and dislikes

November 28, 2020
Car Dealer Power

The best car dealer suppliers named in the Car Dealer Power Awards 2020

November 26, 2020
  • Latest
  • Used Cars
  • Live
  • Forum
  • Power 2020
  • Used Car Awards
  • CDX
  • Knowledge
  • Suppliers Guide
  • About Us
  • Latest Issue
  • Top 100
  • CD Plus
Call us: 020 8125 3880

© 2020 Blackball Media

No Result
View All Result
  • Car Dealer Plus
  • Latest
  • Used Cars
  • Live
  • Forum
  • Power 2020
  • Used Car Awards
  • CDX
  • Knowledge
  • Suppliers Guide
  • About Us
  • Latest Issue
  • Top 100

© 2020 Blackball Media

Log In
Register
Register
Server C